Most weeks, you can trace the beat of my heart through my posts. My struggles and epiphanies often come as I sit here at the keyboard and work out my words. This week, however, a more directed, personal update seems in order.
I lost my job. (This is a stunning statement. I come by this propensity to shock with words quite naturally. See, my dad can take a rather ordinary event and make it quite sensational.) Losing my job is actually a very good thing. I prayed for this very thing for months. I started a temporary assignment in June of last year expecting it to last through the summer. I am only now training my replacement.
In the last eleven months of “temporary” work, I struggled with the work-family-writing balance. I love my job and the extra financial cushion it provides. While it is only part-time, the extra hours impact my roles of wife, mother, small group leader, and writer. I put goals on hold. Relationships get a time slot instead of my attention. I stopped sweeping under the couches and beds.
When I received the confirmation that my time at the office would finally end, I spent some time in prayer. That’s what Christians usually do before we start planning what we will do next. I heard God speak in that still, quiet way, “Wait on Me, child.”
When God speaks to you like that, you say yes. So, I said, “Yes, Lord.”
Later that day, I sat with my manager to see if there were some places for me to plug in during the summer. My openings didn’t fit their needs. I stopped planning, and I went back to praying.
“Wait on Me, child.”
I said, “Yes, Lord,” again. Then, I picked up the phone to call an old coworker at another hospital to see if they needed any help. Hit-and-miss conversations yielded nothing.
I prayed some more. Wouldn’t you know it, God assured me once more, “Wait on Me, child.” This time, I didn’t say yes right away. I picked up on my foolish pattern. I didn’t want to give a yes I wouldn’t stand behind.
It is no accident that I had a pre-release copy of Suzie Eller’s latest book, Come With Me: Discovering the Beauty of Following Where He Leads, in my hand during this back-and-forth power struggle with God. As I gave control to God and then tried to wrestle it from His hands, I read these words:
How many times have I felt God asking me to do something that makes no sense to me, and I argue with him? Too often I’ve pointed out the impossibilities or obstacles, as if he’s not God and doesn’t see further down the road. I have requested assurance that it’s all going to work out just like I think it should, and then I’ll push out deeper…I’ve somehow come to believe that faith equals success every time—failing to understand that he’s calling me not to success but to faith in him. (Suzie Eller, Come with Me, emphasis added)
I acknowledged my control issues. (Why do I even try to control God Almighty?) A friend prayed the simplest prayer over me asking God to help me let go. I asked Him to take over this next phase of life, this place where I don’t have a plan.
He said again, “Wait on Me, child.” I whispered, “Yes.” And I meant it. This time, I really meant it.
Yes to whatever is next, even if nothing is next. Yes to enjoying the extra time with my family this summer. Yes to cutting back on our spending to walk this journey of faith. Yes to the possibilities. Yes to the mundane.
Whatever comes next will be an amazing work of God. But the true miracle is the change God made in me. Me, the planner. Me, the control freak. Me, the one who says I have faith while walking the path of uncertainty.
That is where I sit. I have two weeks of work left. We have one more paycheck coming. Summer is on the horizon. I whisper yes each morning in my prayer time. I whisper yes each time I am tempted to pick up the phone to try to take control. I am uncertain and excited all at the same time.
Would you consider saying yes to that thing God is asking of you? Suzie’s book is a great place to start your faith journey. Jesus is calling; will you whisper yes?
“People are watching our lives and asking if Jesus is worth following.” (Suzie Eller, Come With Me)
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Photo credit: Josh Post via Unsplash.